Early (Wild) Pregnancy

THE RELIEF OF THE WILD

I’ve been so excited about DIY birth for so long, I hadn’t thought much about how awesome DIY pregnancy would be!

Here’s the Thing about wild pregnancy: it prepares me for (free)birth because no one is coming to save me.

No one else is telling me that “baby looks healthy” (meaning they have a normal heart rate) or some approximate-af measurements or statistical percentiles or that baby is measuring too small/big, that my amniotic fluid is too much/little, that my age makes me high-risk, that there’s a chance of genetic disorder… etc.

Just like no one will be telling me about my birth.

No one else will be telling me how dilated I am, how effaced I am, how far down baby is, how baby’s heart rate is looking, how strong my contractions are, how long my waters have been broken, when I should eat, when I should rest, which position I should be in, when to push, when I might need antibiotics, when it’s time to consider surgery… etc.

No—gloriously, I will be able to discern these things for myself, as needed. Or rather, my body will discern them for me.

And no one will be—big breath here—TALKING TO ME. Oh heavens above, the relief of knowing that no one will be SAYING WORDS TO MY FACE while I am meant to be in a deep hypnotic nonverbal state. It is fittingly hard to express how much this means to me.

So, in the meantime, I am relishing the lack of pedantic and condescending words being spoken to my face (thus far) in preparation for the experience of going totally and utterly inward in the face of my complete annihilation while bringing this baby (or these babies) into the terrestrial world.

NO TESTS MEANS NO TESTS

This all starts with a (lack of) pregnancy test. I do not understand the purpose of pregnancy tests, or why they’re such a normal part of pregnancy (along with ultrasounds). Did you not know you were pregnant? Are you that detached from your physical experience?

Of course, there’s the case of hoping to be pregnant and testing—which also doesn’t make sense, because by the time the test has a chance of being accurate, you’ll be two weeks past your “tell” anyway.

There’s also the case of having long or irregular cycles, in which case I suppose the desire to know definitively, especially never having felt pregnancy before, might win out… But again: it comes down to outsourcing knowing, and that is what I’m arguing against.

(A dose of humility: I did take one pregnancy test in my life, and it was when my cycle was longer than usual but the chances of impregnation were comically miniscule. It was a fun trip to the store.)

BODILY SIGNS

Here’s what I noticed starting about a week after ovulation (one week before my “missed period,” and three weeks before pregnancy tests are advised):

I got really tired during the day.
My breasts were continuously sore.
I wasn’t having the normal hormonal drop symptoms of premenstruality (I wasn’t getting irritated all the time).

Here’s what I noticed the week I did not bleed (still two weeks before testing range):

All of the above, plus constipation.

Ah, yes. The miracle of life. So juicy, so vibrant, so fruitful.

I’m not taking a pregnancy test, in part so as not to offend my own body. I want her to know that I believe her.

A NOTE ON ULTRASOUNDS

I’m in the “I don’t think they’re safe” camp. And I might not be here, if I hadn’t researched them for my midwifery intensive research project.

The studies I found and analyzed pointed definitively to tissue being altered by ultrasound. In some cases, the mouse fetal tissue eventually recovered, but it was unsettling to see multiple different kinds of alteration, and some significant behavioral findings as well.

Furthermore, in my experience as a doula watching ~100 couples go through routine medical perinatal care over the last two years, ultrasound led to bad things but never good things.

From their reports, ultrasound is extremely clearly a tool for manipulation, not for real discernment about health. It is a ritual that is given great seriousness, plus the carrot of “getting to see the baby,” with the results being whatever the doctor needs to say in order to prescribe more monitoring or assign the label “high-risk” so as to secure more cooperation and interventions.

I calls it as I sees it.

WONDERINGS

Since no one else is telling me anything about my reproductive process, it’s up to me to discern anything I want to know.

And like any curious mother, there’s a LOT I want to know.

How big are they right now?

How many of them even are there?

Who will they be?

What will their personality be like?

What color(s) will their eyes be?

When will they look like their dad?

How will they remember their childhood?

What foods will they like and dislike?

How long will they breastfeed?

What will our sleep patterns be like?

What will they teach me?

What do they want me to know now?

…And since there’s no one to externally validate any of these questions, I get to indulge any or all of them equally. There is no preference given to arbitrary measurements. I have no statistics to parrot to anyone.

I have wonder, and I have what I feel, and I have the opportunity to develop a psychic connection with my child(ren) before they’re born. To me, that is so much more exciting than an ultrasound picture.